Ultimate Warrior Reviews: De-Icing Rock Salt, Brown Coarse Grain 25 Kg Bag

G’AHHHHH. G’AHHHH. IN THE FAR TIMES NOT LONG AGO, BUT BY WHICH MANY YEARS HAVE HENCEFORTH PAST, WHEN THE EARTH WAS STILL COVERED FROZEN BY HAILS AND SLEETS AND POUNDING DRIVING FURIOUS STORMS FROM THE HEAVENS ABOVE, WHEN THE VOLCANIC ASH OF VOLCANOES HAD SPEWED FORTH AND MADE A CANOPY OF NOTHINGNESS AND DARKNESS AND DARK NOTHINGNESS, SEVERING THE MOON’S ARCHING FURY BROUGHT DOWN BY THE ASTEROID DESTROYER IN THE EMBRYONIC COIL OF THE SERPENTINE ANNIHILATOR…THERE I HAD SURVIVED AMID THE CHAOS, AND THOSE WARRIORS WHO HAD LEFT THEIR LEGACY OF COMBAT UPON THE FORSAKEN LAND. THE NORMALS, THEY CANNOT LIVE FOREVER, NO MAN CAN LIVE FOREVER PHYSICALLY, EVEN THOSE WHO SPILL THEIR GUTS AND BRAINS AS TRIBUTE AMID THE TRAMPLING DINOSAUR AND THE DINO-MASTERS AS THEY DO BATTLE ATOP THEIR SUBMARINE SABERTOOTHS. BUT DOWN THEIR FACES IS A LEGACY. CONSTELLATIONS PAINTED BY THE PAIN OF THEIR IDEALS AND WHAT THEY BELIEVE IN. IDEALS WHICH CAN LIVE THROUGH ME AND BE SPREAD AMONG MY LITTLE WARRIORS, AS THEY TEAR INTO MY FLESH, RIP INTO MY TENDONS AND SUBDIVIDE MY ENTRAILS ALONG THE PATH TO PARTS UNKNOWN. AND ALL THE CITIES WHICH HAD ONCE STOOD WERE SILENT SAVE FOR THE POUNDING DRUMS AS THE WARRIORS RISE AGAIN FROM THE ASHES OF A LAND BEFORE TIME HAD FORGET AND FORGED THEIR FURY AS I FEED UPON THOSE VISIONS OF FRUSTRATION FROM THE PAST. THE FINAL VISIONS OF THE HOUR GLASS FILTER THROUGH THE SCEPTER IN THE SANDS OF TIME WHICH HAVE NOT YET JUDGED FOR WHAT IS YET TO BE JUDGED... ULTIMATE JUDGMENT.

Winter Weather Warning... Expect 12" of PAIN.

4/5= Powerful

SPECIAL GUEST REVIEW! Cyperion* Reviews: Antique Dalmatian Beer Stein

*Editor: For Cyperion's First appearance,
check post # 3.

Ultimate Warrior Replies to Comments from Paul Bearer Regarding AT&T-EL-52209 Cordless Phone

MR. PAUL BEARER, THE BLOODSHOT LOOK IN MY EYES HAS BEEN MISINTERPRETED AS THE FEAR YOU KNOW BUT IS A QUESTION OF DESTINY WITHIN THE POWER OF THE GODS AND THE WARRIOR. THE LITTLE WARRIORS AND I FEAR NOT YOUR NOTION OF DEATH, AS EACH OF US JOINS ALONG SIDE THE GODS UPON A THRONE OF SKULLS AND MAYHEM AND THE FIRES STOKED BY INTENSITY WITHIN THE BURNING STINKING HEART OF PARTS UNKNOWN. MR. PAUL BEARER YOU SPEAK OF FEAR... BUT THE WARRIOR AND HIS LITTLE WARRIORS FEAR NOT WORMS, FEAR NOT SPIDERS, FEAR NOT RUSTY NAILS, FEAR NOT DRY ICE, FEAR NOT INEPTITUDE, FEAR NOT INSOLUBILITY, FEAR NOT INTERPREPIDATION AND FEAR NOT SPENDING LESS MILKY WAY CREDITS FOR A GREATER UNIVERSAL VALUE. AND ALTHOUGH MY SPACESHIP IDLES MILES ABOVE EARTH TO RETURN THE WARRIOR TO PARTS UNKOWNN I CANNOT REST AND SHALL NOT REST AND REFUSE TO REST, UNTIL THE WORLD BECOMES AWARE THAT THE AT&T-EL-52209 CORDLESS PHONE COMES STANDARD WITH A LARGE LIGHTED DISPLAY AND NUMBER DIRECTORY AS WELL AS A HANDS FREE SPEAKER PHONE SYSTEM. YOU WANT TO TRAMPLE ON BEES MR. PAUL BEARER, INTENSE KILLER BEES, YOU WANT TO TRIFLE WITH THIS FREAK A NATURE THAT ATTACKS AND KEEPS COMING UNTIL THERE'S NOTHING LEFT BUT THE NEED, THE NEED FOR COMBAT AND A HOUSE WITH ALL THE GLASS SHATTERED FROM THE WINDOWS AND THE SHINGLES ALL BLOWN FROM THE ROOF AND A TERRIBLE SMELL THAT COMES FROM SOMEWHERE THAT YOU CAN’T FIGURE OUT AND YOU CAN’T GET RID OF IT BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE IT'S COMING FROM BECAUSE IT COMING AT YOU FROM EVERY WHICH WAY AT ONCE. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING MR. PAUL BEARER, THE AT&T-EL-52209 IS AN ULTIMATE VALUE WHEN SET ASIDE IN THE HALLS OF TIME, NOT LOST AND GIVEN BUT BURIED AND TORMENTED, WITH SIMILAR MODEL PHONES IN A COMPARABLE PRICE RANGE. ***SNNNNNNNNARRRRLLLL***


THANK YOU FOR WRITING.

"Mr. The Ultimate Warrior, I think the phone is for booooooooo!"- Paul Bearer

Editor's Note: Warrior is having difficulty posting comments in the comments section. Troubleshooting would be greatly appreciated.

The Warrior Reviews: AT&T-EL-52209 Cordless Phone

WHY…WHY CAN YOU NOT COMMUNICATE. COMMUNICATE WITH ME AS IF YOU WERE SPEAKING TO A GOD! THE ULTIMATE HAS BEEN BONDED TO THE CLARITY OF THE CELESTIAL WIRELESS FROM WHICH THE NIMBUS HAS PROTRACTED THE DUNE MASTER IN THE VICTORY OF MANY TIME BATTLES MADE ONE. ONLY ONE CAN STAND BETWEEN THE LITTLE WARRIORS AND THE RAGING ANTHROPOMETRIC ASTEROID THAT PLUMMETS THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE AND CREATES A GARGANTUAN FLAMING HOLE OF GLORY IN THE SIDE OF A BUILDING AND THEN HITS SEVEN CARS WITH THE FORCE OF A GRANULAR RHINOCEROS! YOU SEE THAT DUDE? YOU HEAR THAT IN THE STREETS? ARE YOU PICKING UP THE SIGNAL OF 1,000 LITTLE WARRIORS ROARING TO THE HEAVENS ABOVE? ULTIMATE BATTLE AND THE VIRTUE OF JUSTICE UNTIES MY HANDS FROM A DESTINY SET IN MOTION SO MANY SECONDS, SO MANY MINUTES, SO MANY HOURS, SO MANY DAYS, SO MANY YEARS, SO MANY CENTURIES, SO MANY EONS AGO. WHEN ALL CONCEIVABLE ENDPOINTS PROTRACTED INTO A PULSATING CELESTIAL ORGAN, COLLIDING LIKE A STEAMING WATERFALL ABOVE THE CLIFFS OF RANGOOMARK, THIRD MOON OF ZOD, WHERE THE CYBER WEREWOLVES DWELL BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION AND ETERNITY IN THE NIGHTMARES OF THE UNPLEASANT DRACULA. DESTINY BECKONS THE NEXT SUPERHERO THROUGH ALL THE EXPANDING BINARY THAT EMBODY AND BETRAY THE INEXHAUSTIBLE INTOLERABLE INHUMANOID, I AM THE ONE WHO EMBODIES THE POWER NUCLEUS NECESSARY TO DESTROY ALL THOSE UNPLEASANTRIES WHICH HANG LIKE UVULAS IN THE BACK OF EVERY LITTLE WARRIORS WAILING CRY. TOGETHER WE LIFT OUR GLIMMERING SWORDS LIKE LIGHTNING RODS IN THE STORM, AND SHAKE OR SCEPTERS LIKE SNAKES AS THE RAIN WASHES FOR OUR HAIR AND THROBBING DELTOIDS THE BLOOD AND ENTRAILS OF THOSE ENEMIES WHO WE HAVE SLAIN AND LEFT AS A TRUMPLED MASS OF GUTS AND EYEBALLS AND TENDONS AND NOSES AND EARWAX IN OUR BRINY WAKE. NOW THAT WE HAVE KNOWN COMBAT, SO WE HAVE LEARNED THE POWER OF THE WA’YAAAAAH.

3/5= Intense

COMING SOON...

****Iron Chef: Breaking Backs and Eggs in the Old Country Way*****

We at Ultimate Warrior Reviews Stuff are proud to announce that the maniacal and insidious Iron Sheik has agreed to pen a weekly column for this blog! Debuting soon, The Iron Chef column will feature delectable recipes from the Sheik's cook book sprinkled with a not so gentle dash of his own uproarious brand of commentary!

Come for the floor show, but most definitely stay for the meal.

"Be there, or be humbled!"

Photo Cred: Rex

Ultimate Warrior Reviews: Camel Crush Cigarettes

1/5= Hulk Hogan

Ultimate Warrior Reviews: Staples Three Hole Punch

THEY REFUSE TO UNDERSTAND, THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR, THAT THEY SHALL WALK AS NORMAL AS THEY SEEM, AND IF THEY WANT SPECIAL INTERACTIONS WITH THE WARRIOR, I SEE THIS AS A NORMAL CHALLENGE, IN ANOTHER DAY OF COMBAT. THE ABILITIES TIED TO DESTINATIONS WITH FOUNDATIONS IN CHAOS, ANGER AND FRUSTRATION. BUT YOU…REX….LOWRY…, WALK WITH A DIFFERENT FORCE FIELD AROUND YOU, AND THAT WHICH SPURNS THE DESTINY FROM THE LAVA FIRE AND THE BUBBLING OVER-FIEND. STAPLES THREE HOLE PUNCH, IS THIS A WORTHY ADVERSARY FOR THE WARRIOR’S SPREADING DISEASE? THE ALIGNMENT OF THE PLANETS OFF CENTERED BY THE KILTED DUST STORMS ALONG THE RINGS OF ORION, WHERE THE LIZARDMEN HAD ONCE RIDDEN THEIR ROBOT SPACE OCTOPI THROUGH THE ASTEROID BELT. WHAT WOULD THE WARRIOR RATHER DO THAN USE STAPLES THE THREE RING HOLE PUNCH? LAY OUT ON THE GRASS AND LET THEM SLICE ME WITH HEDGE CLIPPERS? FEAST ON HANDFULS OF FIRE ANTS UNTIL THEY HAVE STUNG MY INTESTINE AND GUTS AND MADE MY MOUTH A SWOLLEN PORTAL FOR THE WAR MONGER? PUT MY HEAD INTO A BOWLING BALL RETURN AND LET THEM PULVERIZE MY SKULL INTO MUSH AND HAVE MY BRAINS RUN OUT ALL OVER THE ALLEY, SO THAT THE NORMALS IN THEIR BOWLING SHOES CAN NO LONGER STAND IT? BE TRUMPLED BY A TANK AFTER I'M THROWN OFF THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING BY AN ORANGUTAN DRESSED AS A BANNANA WHO IS WEARING A GOALIE MASK AND WHO JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE A HUGE FAN OF PROGRESSIVE ROCK BAND, YES? NO! FOR IT IS YOU....REX...LOWRY...WHO HAS COMMITTED THE ULTIMATE SIN, THE ULTIMATE DIN, AND THE ULTIMATE GRIN....REX…LOWRY....YOUR VILLAINY SHALL NOT GO UNPUNISHED AND YOUR SINS CAN NOT BE REPLENISHED AS THE WARRIOR RAISES HIS MIGHTY GAUNTLETS TO THE SKY AND PUNCHES HOLES INTO THE ATMOSPHERE WITH HIS FISTS. AND THE ONLY 3 THAT WILL BE MADE INSIDE THIS BLACK HOLE IS THE REFEREE COUNTING 1-2-3 WHEN YOUR BACK HITS THE CANVAS AND I FULFIL ANOTHER CHAPTER IN MY DESTINY! I’LL SEE YOU AT WRESTLEMANIA-AAAAA….G’AHHHHHHH! G’AHHHHHHH!

2/5= Weak

(Editor’s Note: Warrior would like to thank Rex Lowry for being the first of his Little Warriors brave enough to step up to the Ultimate Challenge-- posting a comment at UltimateWarriorReviewsStuff.blogspot.com! As a thank you for his contribution to the site the Warrior will be sending Rex an autographed neon mesh half-shirt! Congrats, Rex!

The Warrior encourages all of his Little Warriors to post their comments as well. As you know the Warrior feeds off of your energy in the same way which us 'normals' receive sustenance from food. Without your energy the Warrior withers and will eventually die of starvation.

The Warrior would also like you to know that any dream is possible if you maintain your commitment to a thorough and intensive, daily workout regimen.)

Ultimate Warrior Reviews: K-Mart Cypress End Table

WHEN THE WARRIORS WHO CAME BEFORE ME AND YOU, AND THAT WHICH WAS PREORDAINED WITHIN THE COSMOS CAME TO FRUITION, THAT THE WARRIOR SHALL GROW TO BECOME THE MOST POWERFUL STRUCTURE IN THE UNIVERSE. NOT TO WANT BUT TO BE CHOSEN. BE CHOSEN TO GIVE THE UTMOST IN COMBAT AND UNTREATABLE BATTLE. THIS CHOSEN WARRIOR MUST WISELY PICK THE DISCIPLES WHO WILL STAND BY HIS SIDE IN THE LARGEST COLISEUM IMAGINABLE AND BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION. AND TOGETHER STAND AS TWO PILLARS OF POWER AGAINST ALL THAT WHICH DEFIES HEROICS. K-MART CYPRESS END TABLE, AS IT WAS WRITTEN WITHIN THE LEDGERS ON THE TABLATURES OF TIME, GRANTS THOSE CHOSEN TO WIELD IT, "…the ultimate in versatility." ULTIMATE VERSATILITY TO SMASH THOSE THAT STAND BEFORE US. ULTIMATE VERSATILITY TO REAP VENGEANCE FROM THE NOTHING THAT HOVERS ABOVE WHAT I LIVE FOR. ULTIMATE VERSATILITY TO CAST ASIDE THE NORMALS AND THE NON-BELIEVERS, TO PROTECT THE CHOSEN WARRIOR FROM THAT WHICH I FIND MOST COMFORTING…PAIN, AND THE SMELL OF COMBAT! K-MART CYPRESS END TABLE, I TAKE YOUR ENEMIES UPON MYSELF AS YOU TAKE MINE, AND TOGETHER WE PREPARE TO MAKE THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE. K-MART CYPRESS END TABLE SHALL WE WALK TO THE EDGE OF PARTS UNKOWN AND LOOK INTO THE NOTHINGNESS BEYOND ALL FEARS, WHERE THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR LIVES. TOGETHER AND IN THE NOTHINGNESS THE THUNDER GODS SHALL ANOINT K-MART CYPRESS END TABLE, CYPERION! THEN… ONLY THEN… SHALL…WE… RISE.

5/5= Combat Ready

(Editor: Ultimate Warrior would like to introduce the K-mart Cypress End Table as his ULTIMATE DISCIPLE and new tag-team partner. At the request of the warrior, the K-Mart Cypress End Table will now be referred to by his Warrior Name, CYPERION.)

Ultimate Warrior Reviews: Shop-Vac 962-06-00 6-Gallon 3-Horsepower Ultra Plus Wet/Dry Vacuum

I WAS SITTING IN THE SPACESHIP WITH ALL THE LITTLE WARRIORS TO PARTS UNKNOWN WITH THE REFUSE TEEMING OF THE MISBEGOTTEN SKELETONS OF THE WARRIORS PAST. AND I SAID "HEY, DUDE CAN YOU FEEL IT? CAN YOU FEEL THE POWER SWIRLING WITHIN THE VORTEX OF TIME?" SHY AWAY FROM NOTHING THE FRUSTRATION AND INTENSITY, THE DARK CORNERS WHERE THE SHADOWS DWELL, BENEATH THE CARPET WHERE THE BLOOD OF ANGER HAS POOLED. FEEL THE PAIN AND TORTURE OF WHAT HAD BEEN LEFT BEHIND IN COMBAT MADE A TEST OF THE GRAND COUNCIL AND THE DUSTY ELEPHANT. I HAD PASSED THE CHORE AND ALL WAS CLEANSED BY THE RIGHT OF DIVINE DESTINY, IN A LAND WHERE CREATURES OF BAD HABITS DWELL.

3/5= Intense

Ultimate Warrior Reviews: Hawiian Punch

WITH EACH SIP COURSE OF RED BLOOD ACTION I HAVE SEEN THE SAME MUSTACHE OF POWER ALL BUT LOST INTO PARTS UNKNOWN. DON'T THINK THERE IS ESCAPE UNTIL THE JUICE IS FINISHED AS WITH EACH BLOODED SIP YOU HAVE TASTED ONCE MORE ODIN'S BREATH LAST UPON ALL ETERNITY. THE JUICE IS TOTALLY OUT OF CONTRRRROOOOOOOLLLLLL!

4/5= Powerful.